I’d like to thank the Academy of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels for awarding me this honorary membership today. I think it’s quite clever that you coaxed me here with the scent of a major score… Delilah, you played a fabulous sex-addicted cougar. I really believed that you were wealthy AND dumb enough to leave your numbered account details laying about your sex pad.
Thomas, you were fabulous as the vexed ex-husband. The way you dropped hints about Mrs. Wyles – or Delilah – and her litany of dalliances was brilliant. After spending that evening with her in the Four Seasons I really did believe that her feminine wiles (pardon the play on your faux name) were enough to convince you to sign that devastating pre-nup. I actually think after our first night I might have done the same.
What confounds me now more than ever is that you actually knew who I was… And to think that you, Mr. President, noticed me because I aced you out of the Kardonian Save the Children Fund score. If I were in your shoes, I would likely have spent my every waking hour to make sure you were caught by the authorities. The last thing a con man needs is strong competition.
But now that I’ve met you all – I think I understand. This brotherhood, as it were, is amazing. To think that some of the most brilliant minds in the con game come together each year to share the stories of your craft? Who needs prison to be a better criminal?
I must say that I’ve been amazed by your tales. Frederick – what you did with First State Bank is phenomenal. A money laundering scheme that actually delivers a 10% return! And Angelica – the way you played the curator of the Van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Art in Amsterdam was a literally scientific. Brilliant.
I do however regret to say that I have had the last laugh. The champagne you’ve all imbibed this evening was spiked with a delicate tranquilizer that should begin to take effect now. Within the next few seconds you’ll all be asleep in your seats. And just after I rummage through your pockets for your fake IDs, credit cards cash and secret papers, I’ll be calling the FBI. They will be delighted to know that a friendly yet anonymous bystander has happened upon this gathering.
Well, I suppose that’s all I have to say. I see you nodding off, Jackson. I’m so glad because I noticed the gun in your belt just a few minutes ago. Looks like I’ve timed my little confession perfectly.
Oh and one last thing, don’t bother looking for me if you happen to make it through prosecution. I’ll be enjoying retirement on a little island I purchased while working for a doddling billionaire. Tootaloo!